How Do We Create a Life That Works for Us?

There's a question that haunts me, that sits on my shoulder and chirps in my ear daily. I'm a self-relective kind of gal. It's not everyone's bag. But for me, I often stop and I ask myself this:

“How do I create a life that works for me? A life that is meaningful, balanced and peaceful? How do any of us do that?”

I thought I was answering that question, in the cracks of time between my job. I run a hectic resource classroom in a ridiculously underprivileged area of the city. My students are beautiful, funny, disobedient and sometimes ... deeply troubled.

So like anyone else, I attempt to control that chaos in my working life. I struggle to make time, in between the emotional triage, to remember myself as a human being with the right to be still, to be quiet, to breathe. I write. I swim. I play mermaids with my little girl. I water the crimson verbena on my deck. I tenderly patch together a relationship that I had thought damaged beyond repair. And I hope ... I hope against hope.

Despite all of this I recently had a second Lyme relapse. Again I stumble, temporarily lost in fear and uncertainty. Chronic illness often makes one ask “What did I do wrong?” along with more existential and terrifying questions about one’s own aging and mortality. Again I find the strength to keep moving forward. DETERMINED. There’s that Scottish streak. Some call it bloody-minded.One foot in front of the other. What else can any of us do? We all have our trials, the crosses to bear. There are so many who are so much more courageous than I could ever be.

We must patch our lives together carefully each day to create a life that works for us. We must make it through, somehow. With wildflower posies that our daughters pick for us; with stolen kisses and Band-Aids on our scarred hearts. We hold each other up. We celebrate our survival with each new day. We mourn those we have lost, the same way the wild geese keen over their beloved companions.

The only answer I know for sure is that there is always something to live for. There is community. There is connection. There is kindness. There are lovers and wine and song. There is storytelling. We sit quietly around the campfire with our closest friends, the soft light flickering, illuminating our faces briefly. We listen. We share.

There is soooo much love. So. Much Love.

We raise our faces to the sun when the sky is bluest blue. We breathe that cool air and feel how good it is to be alive. How good it is to be human. What a precious privilege. We put one foot in front of the other. There is fear and uncertainty for sure. But there’s also beauty and hope.

There is the crimson verbena on my porch. 

There is joy.

Namaste. The Light in me embraces the Light in you.

After The Rain

The rain came late morning
it whispered “shhh”
on the roof of my house

until the sound
grew harsh and drowned
the chatter in my head

the rain sluiced
down the walls of my heart
an ancient ocean
washed the streets

I laughed until I felt it
streaming down my cheeks
I cried until I felt
clean

the rain came late morning
reminding me of
home, of who I
am

after the rain
everything smelled
fresh,
looked green

I knew it was time
to wake up from this
watercolor
dream