*Newsflash* Life's Not Perfect!

We had Thanksgiving yesterday. I have so many things to be thankful for this year; from the birth of my healthy, beautiful daughter in August and the recovery of my brother Simon from a car accident in which he nearly died to 'simple' things that we all take for granted such as having good food to eat and hot running water every day.

I cooked a little more than I usually do yesterday. I wanted to make traditional candied yams, green bean casserole and pumpkin pie. These are not difficult to make and they were delicious, if I may say so myself! I enjoyed my moment of domesticity and could almost imagine myself a 'simple woman', if only for a day!

The strange thing was that I felt a little 'blue' in the evening. Maybe it was a little bit of an anti-climax after all the holiday preparations; maybe the post-baby hormones are still adjusting themselves. I'm happy in my new life with my husband and little Sophia. I like being in college. Sometimes though, I feel sad that I waited so long to have my family and to start the career of my choosing. I spent ten years of my life doing what other people thought was right for me. I thought they were showing me the 'right' way or the 'spiritual' way to do things, and that if I stepped outside of what they expected, I would suffer the consequences.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Who are you trying to kid? You're too old to be trying to start your life again." Sometimes I think that I'm so far from where I 'should' be in my career and financially that it gets me down.

These are sad thoughts for a post-Thanksgiving holiday. I acknowledge them, I let myself feel the loss of time that slipped away like sand between my fingers. Of course I would like to have done things differently, but I didn't fully understand how time would fly for me as a woman. I thought I had all the time in the world ... I still haven't come to terms with it all. In the meantime, here are some thoughts from my photo journal:

This is my brother Si. In July this year he suffered a terrible car accident. This smile should be enough to blow all sad thoughts away. This year we toasted our thanks that Simon is still with us. I wrote the story of his accident here: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=121048044&blogId=514196654

This is my daughter. How could any woman ask for more joy in her life !?! And this:

was our Thaksgiving turkey :D There are always reasons to be thankful, even though life's not always perfect.

The Calm Place at the Center

I joined the Mom Blogs Website about a week ago and I found a link on one blog to 'The Simple Woman's Daybook'. The Daybook is really a list of prompts such as "I am thinking ..." and "I am thankful for ...". The Daybook is posted each Monday and Bloggers can participate simply by linking their blog to the main Daybook page.

I looked through the blogroll and it seemed that most of the participants are Christian moms who homeschool. It got me thinking if I 'qualify' to take part. I don't have the luxury of staying at home. I work in the public school system. I'm not crafty ... I just like to think I could be if only I had time! I'd rather be writing than cooking. My sense of spirituality is in flux right now, torn between my desire to believe and my agnosticism. In my heart though, I love the simple life. I do my best to maintain the home-centered values that I grew up with in a small town on the east coast of Scotland. I seek to give the best of myself to my family and to the children I teach every day. My life isn't simple on the outside. There's a calm place at the center though, where it counts.

Another Day, Another Dollar ...

It was tougher at work today. Since I've been on maternity leave for the last three months, it's well into the school year and I haven't had a chance to bond with the kids in my class. A couple of them are testing my boundaries to see how much I'll put up with. Am I as patient as I seem? Will I break down and start yelling at them? They are working to figure me out as though I'm a particularly tough math problem or intriguing science experiment!

One of them refused to do their guided reading with me today, upset that the teacher's attention was on another student. It happens, I try not to take it too personally, even when I get called "an ugly white woman"! I'm in a new class this year. Obviously, each teacher has their own style of classroom management. It's my job as a teacher assistant to adapt, to remain consistent with the teacher while remaining true to my own nature. I'm still a little nervous and edgy because I want to fit in and do a good job.

As I drive home I review the day in my mind. Someone I once trusted and held in high esteem told me that I would never be successful professionally. Those words have haunted me since I made the decision to change careers. I struggle with my inner fears that I'm not cut out for this job, that I'm not going to connect with the students or get along well with my colleagues.

My pride is a little shaken and my confidence dented. I drive down Olive Boulevard to pick up Sophia. I'm looking forward to seeing my baby. It makes me feel better to imagine the comfort of holding her warm little body in my arms ...

Our Routine...

My routine now ... is that I wake up every morning at about 6:20AM. I feed Sophia between 6:30 and 6:45. Sometimes she is wide awake in her bassinet after feeding at that time. I want so much so stay and play with her but I have to get ready for work. I take a shower, get dressed, prepare a breakfast to go. I pack my own stuff for the day and pack a bag for Sophia if she needs it. Many mornings I write a note for Jeremy to remind him what to take to the babysitter. I also pump breast milk between 7:30 and 7:40. Then I throw the breast pump in the bag and try to get out of the house by 7:45. This week I've been 2 minutes late for work on both Monday and Tuesday. Work is over by 3:40. I'm usually able to pick her up from daycare at about 4:00 and get home by 4:45.

Between 4:45 and 8:00 I unpack my bag from the day, get the stuff in the dishwasher, help mum make dinner and we all sit down to eat. This is a nice time of the night when I have a moment to relax and spend time with my husband and family. From 8:00 to 10:00 after we've cleaned up from dinner, I do homework . Sophia is usually on the Boppy on my lap at that time. She nurses or naps while I work. Sometimes I set her on her tummy time mat to play. Jeremy gives her a bath every other night.

I'd love to have her in bed by 10:00 but she's usually wide awake, ready to play and giggle at that time. I feed her one more time at 10:30. She's down for the night by about 11:00. I 'm so happy to feel the pillow under my head by 11:30!

Then it's time to wake up and do it all over again!

Back to Work Success!

So it's Wednesday evening. I picked Sophia up from daycare at 4 o'clock, right after work. She goes to an in-home daycare, where the sweet lady takes care of her plus four or five other pre-school children. I planned everything out in the weeks before Sophia was born, made sure to choose someone who was licensed and all that good stuff.

It helps so much that I'm confident with my choice of daycare provider. It felt even better on Monday when Ms. S. told me that Sophia is the 'perfect baby'! I don't know if she's just being kind, but as her mother I'm inclined to believe how good and pretty she is! She took her bottles easily (I think it helps that I've been pumping breast milk.) She's been her usual content, smiley self at home too, so I know things are going well.

I'm pleased and surprised at how good I feel about everything. I enjoyed work today. Our class had a field trip to Trader Joes, where they gave us a little tour of the front and back of the store. Then we went to the pet shop to research which animal would make the best class pet. The boys all go for the fish, reptiles and other cold-blooded creatures, of course! There have been many days when I felt that I worked hard for my money. On this warm, golden November day I couldn't believe I was getting paid to do something I love!

The kids I work with have many labels for their conditions and behaviors; ED/BD (Emotional/Behavioral disorders) ADHD, Autism, etc. but in the end, kids are kids. Each one of them has their own unique personality with lots of heart and humor. There are days when I wonder if what I'm doing makes a difference because the changes are often too slow to be noticeable. Then there are days like today when I go home with my heart full of hope for their future.

Sophia ate just before leaving daycare and now she's sleeping on the boppy beside me, perfectly comfy. Perhaps not every day will be as easy but today I love my job, I know thay my daughter is doing well, and I feel sure that I made the right decision to go back to work.

Leaving Sophia ...

Sophia and I went down to the school where I work yesterday. I wanted to introduce her to my co-workers and just be there for a little while to prepare myself for Monday. The school serves children with special needs. The kids in the wing that I work in have a variety of emotional and behavioral disorders. It’s not always an easy job but the people there work hard to provide a caring, supportive environment for them.

The visit went smoothly for the most part. We were there for two hours. I must have been really worn out by the time I got home because I started feeling so overwhelmed looking around at the unmade bed, the pile of unfolded laundry, the plates and cups waiting to go upstairs ... the general ‘foolishness’ as Niecy Nash would say, of my living space. The textbooks lying open on the coffee table reminded me of unfinished homework and I still have so many things to get ready for Sophia’s first day at daycare!

Well, an emotional storm started brewing right there. Clouds were gathering and getting more ominous as the evening progressed! It all came to a head over dinner when J. announced that he would be working Monday instead of taking care of Sophia as we’d planned … as I’d planned so carefully in advance with my babysitter.

I should be ready for the unknown quantity by now. It surfaces often our relationship. I think it happens because we’re both busy with our own agendas and we don’t always carve out the time to communicate. I’ve become better at telling him what I need and asking for help but I get frustrated always having to ask for what seems obvious to me. Sometimes it seems like too much hard work. J. on the other hand, often thinks he's communicated things with me which have never left his head … He thinks I understand him so well that I can read his mind!

That evening, unable to bottle up my emotions any longer, I went to bed to have a good weep. As I lay crying J. came to lay next to me and asked me what was wrong. “I’m just so sah …ah… ahd to leave my baby!” I wailed. He just held me while I sobbed and knew that it would all feel better in the morning.

Our Birth Story!

It's funny that I do think of it as 'our' birth story; Sophia and my birth story. It's not a dramatic story, it's just what happened. I started going into labor at about 1:30AM on Friday, August 14th. I kept telling J. that I wasn't sure if it was Braxton Hicks contractions or the real thing. It felt like bad period cramps. I knew it was early labor so I was just trying to make myself as comfortable as possible. I took a warm bath at about two o'clock and went back to bed. I dozed on and off until morning.

I called my work and told Sue, the receptionist I wouldn't make it in that day. She asked if I was in the hospital. I said "Not yet ... soon though!". I had a doctor's appointment that morning. J. and I decided to head over there to find out what was going on. I was four centimeters dilated. We decided to follow our doctors advice and wait at home as long as we could.

After dinner I was starting to feel uncomfortable and anxious to get to the hospital. After being admitted and getting settled in the room we paced the wards for about an hour. I lay down and the nurse gave me a drug (I forget the name) that made me feel terrible. I'm sensitive to most drugs and I lay in a queasy daze for a good couple of hours. J. told me we watched a movie - I don't remember! Then they gave me the epidural at 6cm dilated. They gave me too much again though! When I lay on my left side I felt like I was floating on air, except it wasn't comfortable because my leg was supposed to be there! My leg felt like a concrete block with pins and needles! I kept smacking it to get some feeling back, but it didn't work. I lay there on my right side most of the night, until the nurse forced me to turn over. I didn't sleep much at all.

My mum arrived at the hospital about 4:00AM. At 7:30AM the nurse had me start pushing. I could feel the pressure where Sophia's head was coming down the birth canal but I felt no pain at all. The doctor arrived not long after. Mum was on my right and J. was on my left hand side. They were encouraging me to breathe and push. Their support meant everything to me. They are the two people I count on most in this world! I could feel that my little one was so close to coming out ... and then I gave that final push and my baby was born into the world on August 15th at 8:09AM! I'd been in labor for over 30 hours!
I remember that I didn't hear Sophia crying right away like they do in the movies. I asked why and I remember mum saying "Wait a minute!" Then I heard it ... she was fine, that was all I cared about. They placed her on my tummy and I remember being happy, but at the same time not sure what to make of this little creature. She was crying. I shooshed her gently but mum told me she needed to cry a little. She looked like most newborn babies, all squirmy!

It was too much for me to take in all at once ... that this was my baby that I'd been waiting for nine months. I remember reading that having a baby is like other relationships. It sometimes takes time to get to know each other and develop that bond. It's been true for me I think. It's a lovely feeling, getting to know her. I love the softness, the warmth of her, the curve of her small body when I'm holding her. I press her tiny fingers to my lips; they are so perfectly formed! I only wish I hadn't waited so long to experience it!

My angel!

The End is Near ... on going back to work.

Well, the end is near. This is the last week of my maternity leave. Of course, it's always hard to go back to work after a long absence. After all the joy and excitement of the pregnancy and birth, it's hard to imagine not having Sophia with me all day. I'm not thrilled about it, but I don't feel devasted ... yet! I do feel a little anxious, wondering how that first day will feel as I leave for a full day of work followed by three hours of my Monday night class!

I think I've had a good length of time away from work to adapt to being a new mum. I know that's an ongoing process, but the shock of those first few weeks is wearing off! Ahhh, the sleep deprivation, the realization of being responsible for this new, tiny life ... forever.

I tried to make the most of it all, and treasure the time with my little girl, but life keeps rolling along and some days were so hectic, with a round of doctor appointments for myself, Sophia and my brother, who was in a car accident this summer. Not to mention my on-line classes that started only a few days after Sophia was born. In some ways I've never felt busier.

This morning was so beautiful, with miles of clear blue skies. I made a promise to myself that I would enjoy this last week as much as possible. Sophia and I missed so many pretty days when she was newborn because I didn't always have the energy to get myself and her dressed to go out. So this morning I packed up the stroller and we headed out to the park. The air was fresh and warm, the leaves that were left on the trees were gorgeous shades of red and yellow.

Sophia is sleeping now on the boppy in my lap as I write this. Our first sweet months being together full-time are drawing to a close. Over the last week she's become unusually clingy, refusing formula if I'm around, wanting to nurse for comfort more than hunger. I know its impossible but she almost seems to know.

If I were independently wealthy, would I go back to work now? I'm not sure, maybe not so soon. For me though, the work I do is meaningful. I know I'll be super-busy with school too but I love learning so much. There, I said it even if it makes me sound like a dork. I think it will all be worth it in the long-run, both for myself and for her. I want my daughter to know me as a person who lived a vibrant life that matched my ideals. I want her to know that I worked hard to fulfill my dreams. I want her to have that kind of life one day too.

My beautiful, sociable little girl is smiling up at me now, waiting for me to bless her with my attention. Excuse me while I check if she can still hear me ... :P